My conversion to Paganism

On July 9th, 1863 an Irishman named Francis M. McCoy wrote a letter to his parents. He wore a Union uniform. His parents were in Ireland waiting for communication from one or all of their four boys. Their boys who had left them for a better life in America. Unfortunately, Francis McCoy wasn't writing with good news. The letter was to inform his parents of the passing of their son Roland McCoy. He died at Vicksburg, Mississippi from typhoid fever.
Francis McCoy was my great-great-grandfather. He was of the Christian faith as most folks were in those days and the horrors of war seem to have brought him closer to his faith. I cannot imagine having to write a letter like that, yet the thought of not writing it would weigh heavy on mind if I were Francis.
A great uncle of mine decided to write a small book about our geneology. It was titled "Beyond The Bluffs: McCoy-Kelly Family History. My great uncle: Rev. James R. McCoy is a minister (obviously) and as such included much Christian propaganda in it. However, I lucky enough to retain a copy of it and it has been an invaluable source to me. Francis M. McCoy was the grandfather of my paternal grandmother. Her side of the family was Irish through and through. She married a Stevens and though my grandfather Roy had told me once that his lineage goes back to Scotland, I'm unsure of where the last name Stevens comes from. I always knew it was English, but, scotish, I'm unsure.
So What's my point in writing this? Well, this little book was the only link to my past. My ancestry. I embraced my Irish roots fully. (Though I do not know what my mother's side was. She had told me once that her father was Native American..though wasn't sure what her mother was. I guess I'll have to buy a membership to Ancestry.com to find out...lol.)
I read this book nearly at the same moment I was losing my faith in Christianity. I couldn't get it out of my head, it seemed to plague me. One day, during my Atheist stint, I decided to investigate the history of my people. Ireland! What a fascinating and awful tale I found. That is for another blog. I dug in and read as much as I could, watched videos on youtube, etc. While searching "celtic" on youtube, I came across this video. The title of the video was: Celtic Reconstructionism made by a user named Fiacharrey. What a fascinating name for a video! So, I watched it and it intrigued me. I went to the site the video suggested. http://www.paganachd.com/ and a whole new world opened up to me. I was fascinated! I knew the moment I watched that video that I was Pagan. It's difficult to describe and frankly I was somewhat horrified by the revelation..lol. I mean, didn't Pagans worship Satan?? I started to message Fiacharrey through Youtube. Started asking him questions. He was gracious enough to answer anything I asked. Turned out he was a lawyer, practicing in Louisiana. His channel was dedicated to Celtic reconstructionism. (CR). I consider him my mentor and I have much respect for him.
With much study and investigation, I realized Satan had nothing to do with it. In fact, Satan was a Christian concept and since Pagans aren't Christians, there was no Satan. Only could a Christian make Satan the ruler of all things non-Christian. If there was no Satan, you sure as hell couldn't worship him, her, it. This blew my mind. Though I considered myself Atheist, there still was within me that Christian brainwashing, that Christian ideology. Could there possibly be a religion that doesn't involve Satan? Good vs. Evil?? etc. My mind was turned upside down. I was hooked.
Once I understood I was Pagan and was going to BE Pagan. I had to somehow tell my wife, Karen. She had grown up in the Moravian Church. I thought she was Christian. Though not necessarily practicing, Christian none-the-less. How was I going to tell her? Would she leave me? Think I was idiotic? Think I was evil?
So, I started showing her videos about CR. and asked her what she thought of them. She usually shrugged her shoulders and went on her way. So, I had to just come out with it. One night, when I had plenty of beer in me, I told her I had something to tell her and that I hoped she wouldn't look at me differently once I did. Considering she's my bestfriend, I usually felt I could tell her anything, but for some reason, this was different. So, I came out with it. I started this long drawn out conversation about my feelings and the strangest thing happend. She started to cry. I was like "OH HELL! I did it now!". LOL. But, I found out that her tears were tears of relief. She told me she felt like she couldn't share her feelings about HER faith because she was concerned how others would react, especially her family. She told me that she never believed in the Christian relgion even though she was made to go to church as a child. She walked her own path, a path she felt like she couldn't share with anyone. I went to her and held her in my arms and I realized that this was a new journey for both of us. We could support each other in our respective faiths, we could support each other in love.
It's been a difficult and fantastic ride since then. For a time Karen and I were solitary. We had our own family Grove. Slowly we brought the kids into it and surprisingly they were very receptive. We then decided to take it a step further and found a Pagan Community close by where we could network and find friends of like mind. We've found some very good friends that have become family. A small group of us have even formed our own Grove. Our children love ritual times and celebrating the holidays.
Unfortunately, the community at large aren't quite as accepting, especially considering we live in the buckle of the Bible Belt! On the bright side though, we haven't been lynched or burned at the stake! :D

My conversion and recovery... Part 2

This is the second time I've had to start this blog! Today isn't the best of days for me and computers! Here I'm laying out the reasons of why I lost my Christian faith. A Rant.. If you are Christian, you might not want to read on. I dont' want to offend your faith. I have friends who are Christians, truly. But, the reason they are my friends is because they don't push their religion on me and accept me for who I am and what I believe.

There are several reasons I lost my faith in Christianity. I wasn't the type of person to take people's words for things. I never had the faith of a child, believing in only what I was told. I have always had to investigate things on my own.

Christians.
Christians were partly to blame for my "fall from grace". These people told me they loved me. Would smile and pat me on the back. But, when I started to question my faith, have problems financially or otherwise, they turned their backs on me. I was hurt many times by trusting people because the were Christian. My family has been hurt as well. It didn't take long for these people to go from loving me to loathing me. I found out how petty some of these people were. They didn't practice what they preached in the good things. They often lied and spread gossip around town about other people. They were as unlike Christ as any non-believer could possibly be. I don't question their faith. I know they belived in the resurection of Christ, they believe in the baptism of the holy spirit. They believe in the trinity and virgin birth. They are Christians. Some Christians would tell me that these people aren't "true" Christians..but, I disagree with that. "True" Christians is a ridiculous statement. It's just another way to say: I'm right and you're wrong. What I believe is truth and what you believe are lies. You don't cut the mustard, buddy! Come follow me, believe what I believe and you too can have what I have!..LOL. Some Christians would say: That's your fault, You shouldn't have put your trust in man.. you should have put your trust in the Lord. Man will always dissappoint you. That's true, but these people represent their faith, represent Christianity. They preach hate and judgement and, in that respect, they do practice what they preach. They use fear and guilt to convert people. They give charity to the poor and needy, but not for the sake of charity alone. It's a ruse so that they can covert those suffering people. They judge others constantly and want their dogma and doctrines put into schools and politics, regardless of whether the students and the electorate are Christian or not. They believe they have a monopoly on truth, love, hope and religion. They no longer believe in humility or humbleness, but would rather ostrisize and oppress those who do not believe the way they do. They cry persecution when anyone of any other faith calls them out and tries to lobby for equal treatment under the law, yet they are the majortiy religion in this country and in the majority of communites. It's impossible to persecute the majority! They are interested in domination. They are interested in endoctrinating your children whether or not they or you are Christian. They are interested in, not a representative republic.. but, in a theocracy. They only honor themselves. Some of them will even disown their own family members because they arne't Christian. I want to make it clear.. these are definitely generalizations and I understand not all Christians are this way. I know many Christians who are wonderful people and aren't like the kind of Christians described above. However, I see Christians changing to a more militant side the more their ideals are questioned and rejected.

The Bible.
As you've read in my first blog, I read the Bible independantly. Most Christians will say that when and if they do this, it should bolster your faith. It did quite the opposite. The Bible is full of contradictions. Full of innocent people being slaughtered by a, in my opinion, ruthless God who throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. It promotes slavery and rape and the destruction of women, children and families, etc. Stories such as: Job, the flood, Jericho, Moses and the Pharoh (passover), Joshua and the promised land, Lot and Sodom, Garden of Eden, Paul and his writings, Jesus and his miracles, and much more. I found it all too ridiculous.. it's mythology and it became mythology in my mind. Many Christians will say, Most of what your list consists of is Old Testament stories and we aren't under Old Testament law. That was how it was back then. But, God is supposed to be perfect which means he's the same yesterday, today and forever. Which means the God of the Old Testament is the same God in the New Testament, regardless of how you sugar coat it. Though it is interesting when Christians say that they aren't under the Old Testament laws..unless those laws are convenient for use. Such as Tithing ten percent. But, not eating shellfish is ridiculous and keeping the sabath day is too inconvenient in the modern world. The God of the Bible is not different from other mythological Gods. He 's assigned human emotion and human flaws. The idea of an Omnipresent, Omniscient God is in my opinion one I cannot accept.

The Doctrines and the Dogma.
Then I took a look at  the Doctrines and the Dogmas. The Doctrines such as: free will, the trinity, original sin, Hell, Revelation prophecy, the literal bible and it being inspired by God, etc. I do not accept, cannot accept these doctrines. Just like a Christian cannot accept the docrtrines of Islam. Most of these Christians themselves cannot explain and those who try come up short. I guess it's a matter of perspectives and, of course, a matter of faith. Either you believe it or you don't. I cannot. I've had many debates with Christians on these topics and when I was on the other side, I had many debates about these subjects with non-believers. It all comes down to faith and what you are willing to believe.

The historical record.
When the dominoes began to drop.. I began studying how the Bible was canonized. Which books were selected from many and why. Christianity today is completely different from Christianity of the past. Before the Bible was canonized, there were a multitude of Christians practicing different versions of Christianity. There isn't a historical record of Jesus outside of the Bible. There are historical records of early Christians, but that is far different. There is more evidence that Yahweh was one God in a pantheon of Gods ... than there is that Jesus ever existed as man or God. It's obviously debatable..but, then again it all goes back to faith. Learning about the inquisitions which lasted from the 12the century until the 19th century in Europe and the witch hunts in Europe and America, which killed tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of people (depending on which source you want to site) didn't help my love for orgainized religion, especially Christianity. Every culture Christianity has touched, it killed or affected it to such a degree that it would be uncrecognizable to that culture's ancestry. I could go on, but you get the point.

When I left the church, I didn't lose my faith completely. It was after 911 when it died completely. Prior to that, I still, to some degree considered myself a non-practicing Christian. Mainly because I didn't know what else I was. But, when 911 happend, I heard many Christians around where I live say that God took his hand of protection away from America and was comparing America to Sodom. If you read the story of Sodom, you'll find that there wasn't ten righteous people in the whole city. Being a veteran of the military and swearing an oath to protect America, I was apalled! There was also an incident where my ex-preacher decided to run with a rumor he heard about me. He tried to destroy my reputation...needless to say I didn't appreciate that and expected more from a minister. There was one more incident that was the straw that broke the camels back. My son went to church camp. They told him that he was evil without Christ and they told him about hell. He was 8. When he came back, he had nightmares about me burning in hell! He cried uncontrollably. That was it. Kiss my ass! I became an atheist! There is much more I could say.. but, I'll stop..lol.

My next blog will be about finding my faith...and more about my recovery...

My conversion and recovery... Part 1.

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” Mahatma Gandhi



My conversion to Christianity began when I was eleven years old. My mother had married her third husband, Tony Findling. He was of the Pentecostal faith. It had been quite some time since Tony had gone to church or practiced his faith in any way prior to thier marriage, but, apparently, the marriage had created a desire within him to re-dedicate his life to Jesus Christ. So, one Sunday he packed up the family (which consisted of my mother, myself and him) and we visited the Assembly of God in Spencer, Iowa. The service was interesting and extremely odd at the same time. The congregation believed in speaking in tongues, raising their hands heavenward while mumbling prayers in the air, annointing with oil, and laying on of hands. They believed in the literal word of the Bible and of a literal hell. They believed Jesus would rapture his church (the Christians..but, only 'certain' ones) prior to the tribulation and the rise of the Anti-Christ. They believed in repentance of sins, but not in secured salvation. Which means if you died before repenting, you would be cast in the lake of fire, unlike the Baptists, who believe that once "saved" always saved. Usually when you speak of unsecured salvation, the analogy comes up: If you were driving a car down the road and a tractor trailer came barrelling into your lane and crashed into you..and if you cursed out of shoke .. something like "Jesus Christ!" (as in taking the Lords name in vain)... then you would go straight to hell, no questions asked. Yeah, pretty hardcore stuff, especially for an eleven year old. So, we joined the church and was going "religiously" for quite some time. I went to Sunday School prior to church service. There were several things that kept me interested in going. One was, there were several kids that went to that church that I knew from school. They were fairly cool kids and I enjoyed seeing them there..also there was this guy who had Tourettes Syndrome. Tourette syndrome (TS) is a neurological disorder characterized by repetitive, stereotyped, involuntary movements and vocalizations called tics. Well, this guys tics were manifested by involuntarily saying "fuck" ..but, in a quick burst manner. He sounded like a chicken when he got going...fuck,fuck,fuck, pause, fuck,fuck, fuh fuh fuck. I could barely hold my laughter in! He ddin't go off every Sunday, but I always looked forward to it when he did. I turned twelve in March of that year and went to church camp. I enjoyed my time there believe it or not, but that's a story for another blog.

There is one thing this congregation did not believe in that affected our family. Divorce. Once the pastor found out my mother was on her third marriage and Tony was on his second, they, more or less, kicked us out of the church. So, Tony decided we would go to the United Pentecostal Church across town. This church much more "alive" than the Assembly of God Church. In Alive, I mean... take all that I told you about Assmbly of God and multiply it by fifty! These people were dancing in the isles and passing out. They were loud and abnoxious. One of the elders on stage would "be filled with the holy spirit" and speak in tongues. When he did this the whole church became hushed. Following his performance, another man would "interpret" his ramblings and all who heard believed it was a word from God himself! It was quite a produciton. I was literally frightened! But, we went anyway and we became members of that church. It was in that church when I first acted on an invitation from the pastor to accept Jesus as my personal lord and savior and was baptised. I was serious about it, too! I talked to Jesus every chance I got. Mainly when I would walk the streets of Spencer. He was like a buddy and I'm sure I had more than one person pass me by and wonder if I had lost my mind because I was talking to myself. I got into Christian music like Petra and Carmen. I filled my life with Christianity. We would go to church whenever the doors were open and I willingly went. I willingly opened my mind to the doctrines and dogma being preached by these "men of God." I truly felt I had a personal relationship with this God-man named Jesus. He would listen to all of my worries. I just knew he would intervene on my behalf if only I believed enough and it was a righteous enough of thing then I was golden. Problem was, no prayer was ever answered. Whenever I brought this up to those I respected, trusted in the church, excuses would always be made. Either it was my lack of faith or it was God's decision not to answer. Either way I thought it was shit. So, I tried harder.

My mother and Tony divorced and that is definitely a blog for another time. Following the divorce my mother and I continued to go to the United Pentecostal Church. After being in the church for several years, my faith was waning, but I went with my mother because that's what my mother wanted to do. My job was to keep my mother happy as best I could and if that meant going to this church..it was fine by me. By then, I was rebelling. I had gotten into heavy metal music. I would wear Metallica t-shirts and tight holey jeans to church. I was begging anyone to say anything to me. I wanted to go off. I began to reject it all. What truly turned me away from the church was an incident so vile, at least in my book, that it literally pushed me over the edge.. to the dark side so to speak..lol.

A traveling music group had visited the church. My mother thought they were spectacular! Following the show, they were selling cassette tapes and books they had written at the back of the sanctuary. Mom could not afford a tape, but she soo wanted one. So, my mother had asked my Sunday school teacher and a man that was trusted and respected by both of us, if they would make a copy of the tape they had bought. They hesitantly said yes..

I was dropped off at my apartment building by a friend, the school day had ended. I bounded the stairs and burst into the my apartment, happy to be home. There sat my mother on her knees, in front of a small boom box, crying. I stopped dead in my tracks. Nothing could have surprised me more. You've got to understand how I feel about my mother. I am extremely over protective about her. She is as much my child and I am hers. (That's another blog as well, GAWD you people who are reading this are gonna get it all, aren't you? I guess I'm an open book...lol. That is if you continue to follow me and I don't scare you away). So, I was instantly pissed.

"Mom, what's the matter".. I asked. She, of course tried to hide it. "Nothing honey" she said as she wiped her tears away. Not very convincing at all..lol. I didn't get a word out of her. So, I surmised the tape she was listening to was the problem. I stole it when she wasn't looking, went to my room and put it into my walkman. Turns out, the dumbasses didn't press dubbing when they were copying the tape. So, they recorded not only the music, but the conversation these "church going people" had about her while taping. All I can say is, it wasn't nice. They said many horrible things about my mother, not even knowing they were being recorded. That's when I put my foot down and turned away from the church.

I joined the military, Army to be more specific, following my graduation. I met and married my first wife Gloria, who was from East Bend, NC. She was raised Baptist. She was as sick of it as I was, but following our marriage, we decided to give church another try. We went to a Baptist Church. Baptist services are quite a bit different than Pentecostal services and I liked what I was seeing. I re-dedicated my life to Jesus Christ and was baptised again. I was gung-fucking-ho. I mean...I was on fire for the Lord! I took the Bible wherever I went. I participated in visitations. (That's when you knock on doors and try to convert the lost). I would join Sgt. Maddox (a man I served with) and hand out Bibles to prisoners while he preached the Gospel. After being in that churc for some time, I noticed things about the people I worshipped with. They were like robots, only believing in what the pastor preached. I read the Bible independantly and had many questions. There seemed to be one major rule in that church. You do not ask questions! You do not question the Bible! You do not question God. We ended up leaving that church. I remeber one day, a few church members visited our home. I had just poured a nice tall glass of beer and Gloria (my wife at the time) were playing the latest version of Mortal Kombat on our brand spanking new Super Nintendo. They knocked on the door, I opened it and invited them in. They took one look at the glass of beer and started quetsioning. Started preaching. I kindly told them to hit the road and they promptly did.

Following my graduation from funeral service college. Gloria and I decided to attend to her parents church. It was more of "keep the family happy" deal for both of us than anything else. But, again I fell into the trappings of Christianity. I, again was on fire for the Lord! I wanted, more than anything, for these elders and Christian men to respect me as I had respected many throughout my Christian walk. I would go to church as much as I could. I participated, gave my money, and input. I was gaining the reputation I desired. Then I started to read the Bible again. Again questions. Again shunned. We left the church.

(Sorry so long.. I just wanted to get my history in...so that I cannot be accused of never giving Christianity a try..lol.) Part 2 to follow. I hope it's a bit more entertaining than this one was. I'm new to blogging..so, forgive me. LOL.